Note from Fan Fiction Film & Screenplay Festival Monthly regarding Breakfast

Hello Shockadelic,

Fan Fiction Film & Screenplay Festival Monthly has added a note to your
submission:

READERS REPORT

Script: “Breakfast”

Writer: Shockadelic

Logline: A modern, satirizing reinterpretation of Truman Capote’s “Breakfast at
Tiffany’s.”

Synopsis:

Holly Golightly, a sex worker and aspiring film star, lives in New York
City during the peak of the COVID-19 Pandemic. She befriends her new
neighbor, whom she calls Fred after her brother, who is away at war.
Fred is a gay aspiring writer and becomes quickly enthralled with
Holly’s free-spirited nature. She invites him to a house party where he
meets and begins to date a man named Jerry, while Holly sets her sights
on a three-time divorce’ Rusty. Though the two couples have some fun
together, the laughs do not last when Holly’s ex-husband comes to town
to try and get her to come back home. She declines and argues with Fred
about how she is living her life when she reveals to him that she might
move to Brazil with Rusty. She and Rusty get arrested at a social
justice protest after getting caught in the middle of it, but Holly’s
agent gets her a good lawyer, and she gets out. She and Rusty separate
and Fred and her make-up, though she soon decides to leave New York for
Brazil anyway as Jerry moves in with Fred. Fred and Holly have an
emotional goodbye before she leaves New York City for the last time.

Notes

Plot and Theme:

The plot makes obvious changes to the source material, placing it in a
contemporary setting and having topics such as race, politics and
sexuality discussed and explored much more openly than they would’ve
been in the past. It allows us to find some humor in dark situations
such as a health crisis and social unrest. The action description is
lean and accessible in its writing style, which makes for a very smooth
read.

The script does not make it clear that the COVID-19 Pandemic “exists” in
the world of this story until page 18, which is far too late. We need to
know in the first five pages at least that this is set during COVID
lockdown. While the script obviously contains a satirical tone, there
are still some logic gaps present throughout the plot that make the
script difficult to follow. On page 21, Holly offers Rusty, Jerry and
Berman to stay overnight because they could risk getting caught in the
street after curfew. This is not how lockdown curfews worked in New York
City during the height of the Pandemic. It was not illegal to be found
outside after 10pm, as long as you are not in a large group. It was
illegal to have a business such as a bar or a gym open after such a
time. Holly should just suggest for them to stay over because it is late
and they are probably tired, don’t have her reason have to do with
curfew. Another logistical issue is Holly arrest, not at the protest,
but at the police station. It isn’t clear why she is being accused of
being involved with the mob, does this have to do with the man she
visits in prison? If so, the writer does not make this clear. The writer
fails to set-up certain plot points which makes them feel random rather
than purposeful. Even minor ones, like the fact that we should see Fred
looking at the birdcage in the store, which would set-up Holly buying it
for him as a present or Jerry having apparently moved into Fred’s
apartment by the end of the script even though he wasn’t present during
most of the second half of Act Two. Other logistical issues have more to
do with character and will be discussed in the next section of the report.

The plot gets weirdly political from page 34 and on. Holly’s
conservative viewpoint on many topics doesn’t exactly align with her
free-spirited nature, although one could argue that it is a result of
her southern-bred upbringing. Of course, not all Southerners are brought
up conservative, however. The script pauses at points from page 34 on
from being about Holly and Fred’s personal journeys of self-growth to
being a strange, Anti-COVID, Anti-Leftist and strangely so, even
Anti-Cop propaganda story. These moments don’t feel particularly
satirical in nature, because they aren’t balanced out with criticism of
the Right. It’s all clearly very one-sided, but the side that is
selected doesn’t fit with the composition of the characters we’ve come
to know, especially Holly, our protagonist. For such a short script, its
plot feels at war with itself due to these late-in-the-game political
ideas. If the writer really wants to retain them, then they need to be
present in the narrative much sooner.

The script’s themes are very similar to the source material of which
this work derives from. It advocates for us to chart or own course in
life, despite the objection of others, even those who may care deeply
for us as Fred does for Holly. Holly very much spells out the thematic
core of the script on page 43 when she talks about “accepting” the
confusion” of life. This thematic statement is heightened by the
satirical nature of the piece itself, which makes life feel even more
chaotic and confusing than it already is in reality. Some of the
political ideas that suddenly gain prominence in the latter half of the
script disrupt and distract from the messages of self-empowerment
instead of complimenting them as strongly as they should. Instead of
further illustrating the confusing nature of life, they seem to be
making firm ideological statements, most of which lean towards
right-wing politics, instead of pointing out absurdities on both sides.
The writer could do a stronger job at using these political elements in
a more constructive manner in future rewrites so that they contribute
beneficially to the themes instead of overshadowing them.

Characters and Dialogue:

Considering these characters are all based off pre-existing characters
from the source material, they all situate into their designated roles
rather effectively. Holly is a spitfire of a human being, unabashed to
let her presence be known wherever she is. Fred is her polar-opposite, a
meek wallflower who hates to cause a fuss. Most of the other secondary
characters are defined by singular personality traits, like Rusty with
his closeted gayness or Mr. Yunioshi by his naggy nature. It isn’t
particularly clear whether Holly or Fred are the protagonist of the
script as neither feels like they change too much from the beginning to
end of the script even though their circumstances in life change. It
isn’t very clear what they “learn” from it all. What was Holly missing
before Fred came into her life, and vice-versa? How did their meeting
change their courses significantly? For Fred, this is a bit clearer, as
he never would’ve met Jerry without Holly, but Holly feels like she
still would’ve decided to eventually leave New York City even if she had
never met Fred. As stated in the previous section, Holly’s
“conservative” viewpoint on various subjects lacked believability,
especially because it wasn’t balanced criticism and seemed to contradict
her open-mindedness that is so dominantly apparent in her personality in
Act One? Perhaps if the writer were to try and justify her altering
views by making them appear to be the result of her developing
relationship with Rusty, they would be a little more believable. Still,
even that could be a tough sell depending on the execution.

While Holly being married and separated already by age 19 might’ve been
believable in the past setting, in a contemporary one it feels like a
stretch. The writer should consider making her at least 21 instead of
19. They should also clarify that her brother is older than her; he must
be if he’s at war.

If Yunioshi was upset about Holly’s party because it was breaking
lockdown procedures, why doesn’t he seem to care about having five
people inside his apartment who were just in a room full of strangers?
The script justifies why he wouldn’t care about Holly being there, since
she agrees to pose nude for him, but it doesn’t make sense that he would
show the same hospitality to the men.

The dialogue in the script gives each character a distinct voice for
sure, especially the protagonist Holly, though her voice alters later in
the script for indiscernible reasons at times. Fred’s dialogue does a
great job at displaying his gawky-meekness, but unfortunately, the
writer doesn’t give us much of an opportunity to see how he manages to
court and win over Jerry, who seems remarkably different than him.
Berman sounds like a vintage talent agent, all sauciness and no
substance. The writer mostly avoids racial stereotypes in composing the
voice of Mr. Yunioshi, who is more defined by his grouchiness and
occasionally horniness as well. On the bottom of page 23, since the
action description explains what is happening on the movie screen, it is
pointless and a waste of page space to have Holly restate what the
viewer can already see for themselves. There is a similar moment like
this when Holly’s ex-husband asks Fred if he wants to see a picture of
Holly as proof that he knows her. Cut this excess chit-chat and have him
show Fred the photograph without verbally introducing it into the
conversation first. The back and forth between the protesters telling
Holly and Rusty to take the masks off and the police demanding them to
put them back on was a humorous use of quick-witted dialogue. Holly’s
repeated dismissive assertion that Fred writes about lesbians was a
solid reoccurring gag spread out just enough that it doesn’t feel
overused. Holly’s monologue about the confusion and ambiguity of life is
touching and is smartly reintroduced in the climax. However, the brief
conversation on transgender people by her and her driver might need a
second look at in the way it’s supposed to bridge into Holly’s epiphany.
Overall, the dialogue shows moments of strength in execution but can be
tightened up in some areas to ensure consistency in tone and style.

Format and Grammar:

The script’s formatting and grammar contain a few problems that need to
be sorted out in subsequent drafts. Throughout the script, the action
description is well broken up but sometimes contains internal thoughts
or expositional information that doesn’t belong inside it. We see this
first on page 7 regarding Fred and his not objecting to Holly’s nickname
for him since he won’t see her again anyway. This line isn’t even needed
at all since it doesn’t make sense; of course, he will see her again;
they live in the same building.

On the bottom of page 11, what is being described in the action
description seems like a montage and should therefore be formatted as
such for greater clarity.

On page 25, in the action description, “covid” should be in all caps.

On page 33, the action description states: “Fred sits at this desk,
trying to write, screwing up page after page, dropping the paper on the
floor.” The word “this” should be replaced with the word “his” instead.

On page 41, when Holly says: “I’m sunning by arse.” The word “by” should
be replaced with the word “my” instead.

Conclusion:

“Breakfast” is an ambitious attempt to bring a classic Hollywood and
literary tale into contemporary times. Holly’s brashness is even more at
home in these days than it would’ve been back then. The script has some
cleverly crafted dialogue that supplies moments of both humor and
thoughtful reflection and has evident themes interwoven into it
throughout as well. The script needs to better situate us into its
setting, particularly the Pandemic, more clearly in the opening pages.
The political aspects of the work, right now, feel contradictory to much
of the rest of the material even though they are delivered in a
similarly satirical manner. There are also some logistical issues that
require addressing, and one way that they can be improved is through an
expansion of the plot which currently runs remarkably short in terms of
page count. Overall, there are some good ideas here, but they need to be
sorted through, and the unnecessary material needs to be sifted out to
give the story a more cohesive and satisfying appearance.

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Cheers,

FilmFreeway

My response:

A lot of elements don't need to be "explained" because people are familiar with the original story.

Holly is not "conservative". She is a skeptical outsider.
She does not need to address "the Right" because they don't rule New York.

I took liberties with the details of lockdown restrictions for dramatic effect.

The script makes it clear in the first scene we are in lockdown period,
with the boarded up windows of Tiffany's.
I assume the audience is smart enough to get it.

Yunioshi lets Holly's friends into the apartment because he wants to see her boobies.
As if he would just leave the others out on the cold fire escape.