1
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:17,840
Here's the thing, this story

2
00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:22,160
this anecdote stuck

3
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:24,800
If you ask me when exactly, why I

4
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:26,640
couldn't say

5
00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:28,320
all I recall is that it happened on a

6
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,160
train with a bloke I got pissed with

7
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,719
while on a long journey

8
00:00:32,719 --> 00:00:35,520
but it stuck sunk into me like it was

9
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:36,960
mine

10
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,760
In the way that a dream does or a moment

11
00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:42,950
in a movie

12
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,640
When I was a kid I saw this film called

13
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,399
the Nun's Story

14
00:00:46,399 --> 00:00:49,280
and in it Audrey Hepburn's lured into

15
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,920
this nutter's cell by a woman who believes

16
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,039
she's the archangel Gabriel and beats

17
00:00:55,039 --> 00:00:57,280
herself with whips

18
00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:01,359
and for the next year I couldn't sleep.

19
00:01:01,359 --> 00:01:03,840
Every night the curtain billowed and in

20
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,240
crept a bleeding angel come to tear me

21
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,830
to bits

22
00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:13,040
I was 10 at the time an artless little

23
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,240
bugger

24
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,000
but the image of a mad shrew

25
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,680
self-harming through some religious

26
00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:18,479
delusion

27
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:23,990
freaked the fuck out of me

28
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:29,190
I've lost the thread here

29
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:34,320
this story if i tell it

30
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:38,159
you may end up like the 10 year old me

31
00:01:38,159 --> 00:01:44,550
can you handle that?

32
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,399
sometime in the mid 90s I was traveling

33
00:01:46,399 --> 00:01:48,960
back from Dundee after a lecture

34
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,399
things were happening in the world and i

35
00:01:50,399 --> 00:01:53,040
was hungry for a view

36
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:56,399
in Rwanda people were massacring each

37
00:01:56,399 --> 00:01:57,520
other

38
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,159
but in South Africa the white government

39
00:02:00,159 --> 00:02:02,399
was abdicating power

40
00:02:02,399 --> 00:02:05,520
that was something to celebrate. My Dad

41
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:06,960
drummed into me from an early age

42
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,720
there's a time to talk

43
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,319
and there's a time to reach for the

44
00:02:10,319 --> 00:02:12,480
baseball bat

45
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,000
it seemed the blend of both had some

46
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,560
effect on apartheid

47
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,599
over the years, I uh, I had a tendency to

48
00:02:19,599 --> 00:02:21,280
opt for the non-dialogue approach when

49
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,520
confronted with a racist

50
00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:28,630
it often landed me in trouble

51
00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,519
the train pulled out of Dundee I settled

52
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:32,319
down

53
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,080
opposite me was a man rough looking in

54
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,319
his forties with skin that had seen too

55
00:02:36,319 --> 00:02:37,200
much sun

56
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,080
and these very pale eyes like in those

57
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,959
spaghetti westerns of the sixties

58
00:02:42,959 --> 00:02:46,160
an hour into the journey a fly

59
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,800
demented by captivity began to swirl

60
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,319
around my head

61
00:02:50,319 --> 00:02:52,720
finally it landed in front of me on the

62
00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,400
carriage table

63
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,800
I raised my paper to end the episode but

64
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:57,680
my wrist

65
00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,879
was gripped by a giant hand owned by the

66
00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:02,319
man opposite

67
00:03:02,319 --> 00:03:07,040
who said simply it's just a tiny soul

68
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:11,509
trying to find a path to god

69
00:03:11,519 --> 00:03:14,480
my instinct was a offence but the look in

70
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:15,120
his eye was

71
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,879
childlike pleading

72
00:03:18,879 --> 00:03:22,319
we began to talk in the way that you do

73
00:03:22,319 --> 00:03:23,840
on a train when you're bored but there's

74
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:24,239
a

75
00:03:24,239 --> 00:03:25,840
smidge of something compelling about the

76
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,000
person opposite

77
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,560
he had an accent I couldn't work it out

78
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:31,440
at first but

79
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,040
clocked that he was a big man when he

80
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,640
stood up to go off the toilet for a

81
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:36,159
piss

82
00:03:36,159 --> 00:03:37,680
big in the way that they make them in

83
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,720
countries where they eat a lot of meat

84
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,920
so he sat back down and I said, I think I

85
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,239
know where you're from

86
00:03:46,239 --> 00:03:49,519
he looked shifty it was the day that his

87
00:03:49,519 --> 00:03:51,920
country had become a democracy

88
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,640
and soon all of these thick necked sadists

89
00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:56,879
would be crying crocodile tears

90
00:03:56,879 --> 00:03:59,120
in front of forgiving clergymen and

91
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,640
bleeding heart liberals

92
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:06,710
and getting off Scott free

93
00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:10,470
I guessed he was a Boer

94
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,959
six hours and twenty pints later we

95
00:04:12,959 --> 00:04:14,560
connected in a way that you can on a

96
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,079
journey like that

97
00:04:16,079 --> 00:04:17,919
when you tell perfect strangers things

98
00:04:17,919 --> 00:04:19,440
you wouldn't tell your oldest friend

99
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:19,840
while

100
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:25,270
dying in a ditch

101
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,960
and he told me this story

102
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,560
he had been part of the South african

103
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,440
Special Forces in the Angolan war

104
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,639
a conscript an 18 year old farm boy

105
00:04:36,639 --> 00:04:38,720
whose first taste of footwear was army

106
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,080
boots

107
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:41,759
six months into his service he'd seen a

108
00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:43,120
lot of death

109
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,960
he said towards the end he was bushfucked

110
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,440
in lay terms

111
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:50,479
suffering war trauma while in action on

112
00:04:50,479 --> 00:04:51,600
a recce

113
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:54,560
his unit caught what they called a gook

114
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,080
a black terrorist trying to

115
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,280
infiltrate his country this gook

116
00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:02,080
had a wound so deep you could see

117
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:06,230
the bones of his neck

118
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,600
I remember the Boer's voice the words he

119
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:10,720
used

120
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,560
the detachment with which he told the

121
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,469
story

122
00:05:16,479 --> 00:05:19,759
he was fatally wounded he begged me to

123
00:05:19,759 --> 00:05:21,199
kill him

124
00:05:21,199 --> 00:05:23,039
hour after hour his retching and

125
00:05:23,039 --> 00:05:26,639
writhing were driving me insane

126
00:05:26,639 --> 00:05:29,600
I didn't know how to help him or if I'd

127
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,600
be court martialed if I did

128
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,800
help him end it that is

129
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:38,560
Seven hours passed by, his cries were

130
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,479
like the whimpering of a dying

131
00:05:40,479 --> 00:05:44,880
fox. Finally

132
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,680
I slid my knife into the wound to sever

133
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,919
his spine

134
00:05:49,919 --> 00:05:53,120
It seemed the quickest solution

135
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,639
I had to saw the thing it took me

136
00:05:56,639 --> 00:06:00,230
five minutes

137
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:04,000
when his head came off there was this

138
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,600
hissing sound like his soul was leaving

139
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,710
his body

140
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:12,479
I thought i saw something fly into the

141
00:06:12,479 --> 00:06:14,960
night sky

142
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:19,029
it seemed like a kind of a moth

143
00:06:19,039 --> 00:06:22,000
I'll never know what it was but since

144
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,360
that day

145
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,680
I wake every night to the sound of tiny

146
00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:31,749
wings above my head

147
00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,039
I don't know why he told me the whole

148
00:06:33,039 --> 00:06:34,800
thing

149
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,240
and over the years I've tried to

150
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,000
understand he must have carried that

151
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,080
with him for a long time

152
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,560
and never told a soul till that day on

153
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,560
the train

154
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:48,720
20 years later in another country

155
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:52,800
to a stranger to me

156
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:55,039
to a man who in every other circumstance

157
00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:56,800
would have reached for that baseball bat

158
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:01,110
and smashed him to bits

159
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:05,110
Then I saw the fly on the carriage table

160
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,309
I'm not a religious man

161
00:07:08,319 --> 00:07:10,560
but it hadn't moved through our entire

162
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,510
conversation

163
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:20,550
was it about forgiveness you ask? No

164
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:25,270
too simple too easy

165
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:27,120
if he had wanted to unburden himself he

166
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,199
could have found a priest

167
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,800
because the way he told that story was

168
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,400
matter of fact

169
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,479
like we were watching a vivisection

170
00:07:34,479 --> 00:07:36,319
like it was something tattooed in his

171
00:07:36,319 --> 00:07:40,000
mind's eye he knew was never going away

172
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,599
his cross I like to think the whole

173
00:07:43,599 --> 00:07:44,000
thing was

174
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:47,039
simpler this massive inward looking

175
00:07:47,039 --> 00:07:48,800
traumatised man

176
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,479
who happened to be on a train at the

177
00:07:50,479 --> 00:07:52,479
same time as this young Brit he took a

178
00:07:52,479 --> 00:07:54,000
liking to

179
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,960
then told a story he had never been able

180
00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:01,909
to tell

181
00:08:01,919 --> 00:08:05,199
as he stood up to go, I said

182
00:08:05,199 --> 00:08:06,560
your country was the most

183
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:08,560
institutionally vicious on earth since

184
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:09,919
the Nazis

185
00:08:09,919 --> 00:08:11,599
with racism enshrined in his

186
00:08:11,599 --> 00:08:13,280
constitution and you fought for it's fucking

187
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,309
army

188
00:08:16,319 --> 00:08:19,599
he nodded that great head

189
00:08:19,599 --> 00:08:21,840
I don't know why but I asked what he did

190
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,599
for a living

191
00:08:23,599 --> 00:08:24,960
he said he never worked a day in his

192
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:28,080
life wound up on some beach in the Sinai

193
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:28,560
desert

194
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,400
six months after his military service

195
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,320
not knowing how he got there

196
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,800
then spent the next 25 years in therapy

197
00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:43,190
paid for by his granny

198
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,880
his eyes fell on the name badge in my

199
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,720
suit

200
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,320
I'd forgotten to take it off after the

201
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,480
lecture

202
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:54,720
he murmured john gabriel

203
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:58,240
as if trying to brand it into his memory

204
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:02,080
at that moment dead on cue

205
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,519
the fly burst back into life

206
00:09:05,519 --> 00:09:08,959
we watched it was off

207
00:09:08,959 --> 00:09:12,790
and then he left

208
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,600
he must have tracked me down because a

209
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,279
year later

210
00:09:17,279 --> 00:09:20,550
I got a letter

211
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,399
after we met something happened

212
00:09:24,399 --> 00:09:26,480
although I spent two decades talking to

213
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:27,920
psychologists

214
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,880
I can't find the language to describe it

215
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,800
all I can say is

216
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,920
the fluttering of wings stopped that day

217
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:36,880
I now work for an

218
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,200
international organisation helping

219
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,120
soldiers with

220
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:44,800
PTSD most of our works in Africa

221
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:51,040
yours sincerely Marius

222
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,640
what do I take from this i thought about

223
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,000
it

224
00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:00,150
never told anyone until today just you

225
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:04,720
and all I can say is

226
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:08,560
two people met on a train had a chat

227
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:14,230
and something came of it what that was

228
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:19,120
I still have no idea but it happened

229
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:39,580
like now now you know

230
00:10:39,590 --> 00:10:42,949
[Music]